A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
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the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Goat cheese is for herders.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.