HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
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Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
🌱🌱🌱
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?