*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
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I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I’m aging like a fine banana
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.