Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
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Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.