My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.