[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
You Might Also Like
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.