ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
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I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure