Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.