i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
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I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Swedish for common sense.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor