UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
You Might Also Like
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear