Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
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Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Mountain Goat : )
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Ha
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*