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8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.