[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
You Might Also Like
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha