My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
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rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff