I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
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Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Midwest trash talk
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*