Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
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Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.