Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
my professor scared me for a second
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.