“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
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BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
when you don’t want to be too vague
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?