People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
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My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
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