*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
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I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Sponch
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Just a bush.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?