*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
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*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
him: thereâs been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* letâs start with the rich houses
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like âoh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in hereâ
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when youâre 30 seconds away, so itâs waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: Iâm offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? Iâm not seeking investment, Iâm just here to brag that Iâm gonna be rich
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Oh youâre a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
Iâve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and havenât found one seal.
My 4yo just said âis life a dream because it doesnât make senseâ and I suspect heâs right
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 đ
If I had Pokemon, Iâd pretend to understand them. Theyâd go âBulba bulbaaasaurâ and Iâd be like âWhat do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?â
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if theyâre carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
âLady Doritosâ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when heâs trying to be romantic
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: thatâs right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] whatâd he say
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isnât.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell âhungry.â
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles