My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
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People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony