The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
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Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.