A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
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Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
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Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.