That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
You Might Also Like
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”