My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
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[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
💁🏻♂️
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.