Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
You Might Also Like
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
gm
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.