[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
You Might Also Like
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Ken is short for chicken
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[shakes fist at other fist]
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith