We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
You Might Also Like
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?