It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
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Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around