Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
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Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy