How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.