A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
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Nothing.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.