Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
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ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.