i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
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[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I only eat vegetarians.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp