Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
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I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
When I can’t barge, I careen.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum