“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
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“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.