Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
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Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Awesome parenting 😂
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Yup
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”