Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Good morning.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Not today, today.
Not today.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.