“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
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I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
#have a #great #PancakeDay
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.