Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
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the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.