I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
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Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat