People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
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I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency