8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
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20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…