If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
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when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I think this should do it.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12