Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
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her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!