No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
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Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
United Steaks of America
Still my favorite headline of all time:
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”