Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it