I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Last-minute gift idea!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out