I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Selfie
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Never forget.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.